Clarification & Appreciation
Alright, now I can see that this entry is long overdue. I am now taking the time to write it, though I should be cleaning, so as to make it seem that I haven’t been completely unproductive during spring break.
I feel as though I have somehow been dishonest with people without even saying anything. I have been through hell in the last year, and I am just now beginning to enjoy life again—to a degree. I love my friends—I love hanging out with them, talking with them, drinking with them (or just watching them drink, haha!) and just generally being with them. But occasionally I get the vibe that some of them want to hang out for reasons different than mine. And some of these I realize far later than I should. I feel as if I should apologize, because I do value the friendship I have with these people, but I need for them to understand that the only thing I am in a position to deal with right now is friendship. Maybe I should have been more confrontational, and I easily could have been, but maybe this is better, since no one likes to be confronted directly with this sort of thing. Whoever you are, I do value your friendship, just please understand where and why I draw the line.
As for the future . . . who can say? I don’t know where I’ll be a year from now, but wherever it is I hope I am a happier person than I have been recently. And for all of my friends, those who read this and also those who have no idea of its existence, I do truly value you and I hope to maintain the friendship we have. You are the only reason I have come through this terrible stage of my life without drowning. I needed to be with people so badly, and you all were there when I was sinking slowly beneath the surface, when I was wishing that the force pulling me under would win, so I wouldn’t have to feel anymore. The slow progression from depression to apathy was gradually killing me. And to all of you who helped me out of that I am incredibly grateful, and, should it need to be said, I am always there for you if you need anything—ever. The ironic bit is that the worst mistake of my life has led me to have the best friends of my life.
And now that I am beginning to enjoy my life again, I intend to enjoy it to the fullest. If you know me, you know multiple jobs and full time classes won’t stop me from having fun! Thanks to a particular friend for that, you know who you are! Now to figure out the best way to balance all this fun with a little bit of the responsibility I used to possess . . .
