Farewell 2007
A new year, a new start. I gladly depart from the fortune fate has cast me, or that I have dealt myself, whichever it may be. So many things learned in the course of a year, more than I thought possible. The world is a little bit older, a little wiser, and so, I pray, am I. Older I can certainly attest to, yet for all I’ve learned, I cannot claim to feel wise. I have learned hard lessons–am still learning them–but is anyone ever wise? I suppose all we can hope for is to learn from the past so as not to repeat it.
I have to say that the things I have experienced over the past year have not been easy. They are not things I would ever wish to experience again, with one or two exceptions, perhaps. These things have caused me undue amounts of pain, but what really surprises me when I think on it, what truly frightens me to the bone, is that I don’t know if I would choose my path any differently if I were given the option. Not that I treasure all the moments I spent in an emotional mire this year, but having learned what I did from them, I don’t know if I would want to continue in my former ignorance, despite the cost of my hard-won knowledge. “All knowledge is worth having.” I agree with that statement most of the time, and I think this is no exception. The knowledge I have gained from these experiences is certainly worth having, though it came at a price. Though I can’t say that I feel wise, I feel different, the only label that seems appropriate is mature, but I don’t know if that quite describes it. Maybe it is somewhere in between wisdom and maturity. I don’t know what to call it, but I have certainly earned it.
A myriad of moments describes time past. Only so many moments and time is gone. Too many unpleasant moments lived in me over the past year. Moments I don’t want to remember, of embarrassment, humiliation, anger, sadness, grievance, regret, shame and too many others to count. But to forget these things is to ensure their repetition. And so I will remember them. I will try to keep them in a remote place in my mind and to remove them from my heart. But a few moments, a precious few, are kept close to me still. A few moments at the end of the year have earned a place near to my heart, but my costly knowledge cautions me against these, too. And that is for the better, I am sure. What is experience for if you cannot learn from it? Still, a few of these moments, moments which I am convinced were stolen from fate and time, will reside close to my heart. I don’t know if more will follow, but they were dear times of consolation, of blessed simplicity. It truly makes me wish life could be as simple as it sometimes seems to be, but every being that lives and breathes knows that life is not a simple thing, and living it is not always easy.
Living is the myriad of moments, fastened together by some force that holds these things and binds them as one. Not all are welcome, but the good cannot be separated from the bad, nor the pleasant from the unpleasant, nor the happy from the sad. Life is a gift, precious and fragile, and each passing day yields something to strengthen that gift, though it may seem to break your world to pieces sometimes. In all things, we may be made stronger than we were. “All knowledge is worth having.” At what price is this knowledge purchased? It is bought with our own commitment to knowing. So despite the lamentable experiences I have endured over the year, I would not unknow the things I have learned, even to save myself the pain.
The promise of a new year is the promise of new moments, be they good or bad, if they may be called so. For “good” and “bad” are evaluation words–and an experience simply is. But the moments to come will bring more lessons, more things to be extracted from them and put to use in future remembrance. For this new year, this new start, in a way, I hope to cherish the simple moments, because they will never return. No moments return, but the simple ones are missed the most. I hope to have learned from the past year enough to enjoy as many other imminent moments as possible and to learn more from the ones I cannot. I hope to learn from all of my collected moments, but I am quickly discovering that the ones that bring pain are the most instructive.
So farewell, 2007. I bid you adieu! I cannot say I have enjoyed the time I spent with you, but I have taken from it what I may. As a good friend has recently instructed me, albeit in a joking manner, I intend to hang my calendar on the wall, cross off each day as it passes, and fill them all with good things. This year, I want to fill every day of my calendar with “good” moments, pleasant memories, and though I know it is impossible, not to try makes the passing of these moments meaningless. I want to fill every day with good memories, but bad ones can’t be avoided. And when they surface, I will take what knowledge I can from them and cast aside the remnants. The quilt of one’s life is pieced together with many-colored moments, and each must be accorded its place. Mine grows more colorful with each passing day.
