Pathos
I’m so totally bummed out lately. I try to rely on having friends and people to talk to but it just doesn’t fill the void. Now I worry that I’ve given a wrong impression to people about certain things. Anyway, that doesn’t matter much right now. I feel better when I’m with a group of people, people I know I can trust–not that those are easy to find. I just don’t like the feeling of being alone. But I used to be perfectly fine with it. I hate how dependent I’ve become. I wish I could at least just not care, but it’s not that simple. If I don’t keep myself busy, I start thinking, and then things go south. But I can’t stay busy all the time, and sometimes even if I am busy my thoughts wonder anyway. Lately I’ve taken to staying at work about an hour or so after my shift (if it’s not busy) just because I like talking to the other people working. And then, when I either make myself leave or am forced out because the place is closing, I feel sad all over again that I have to go home by myself. I try not to let anyone see how pathetic I have been lately, but if anyone pays attention to this thing then they probably already know.
Well, I just don’t know what to do. I’ve made a few really cool friends in the last couple of days, and I’m excited about that. But I can’t get over just constantly wishing my phone would ring so that I have an excuse to either not do my homework or to just not sit around by myself and be sad. And I hope I’m not coming off as some desperate freak to some of these people, especially some of the guys I’ve started talking to. They’re all fun, but I hope they don’t think I’m throwing myself at them or something. I hate to seem pathetic, but I really am. I won’t be ready for any sort of meaningful relationship for a long, long, long, long time. Which is sad, but I needed to reclaim my freedom, and I haven’t really done so yet, not really, not completely. I’m glad that I can write here and not really worry or care who reads it.
I hope I can one day be as independent as I once was, and a little wiser, God willing.
