Caveat: Expressions Ardently Unfettered

Oh dear God, please help me to stop missing a thing that I know is bad for me. Please wipe out the complexities of this love into oblivion. Send me not from Your sight, Lord, but rather send his image from mine. I pray for the will to forget, for the desire not to remember what there was, for the fortitude to withstand the pain that must come. I cannot wish it never were, having known it, yet I know my former state of ignorance was a blessing. It is not better to have loved and lost, but never to have loved at all. It seems a waste of what You created us to be, but without knowledge of something, there is no want of it. I wish to God I had not known. Foolish, simple child. You know God forgives all, but you can never forgive yourself.

I wish I wanted to forget those beautiful eyes, those brown-black curls peppered throughout, those lovely, delicate eyelashes and those ever-loving, often-wounding lips. That tongue that bit deeper than teeth ever could. I would that I wanted to forget the kindness that was shown ever before the cruelty, to forget the loving looks, the longing gazes, the sensual touch of his soft skin on mine, the like of which nothing on earth can approach. I wish I could forget all of the good things and only remember the bad, forget the beauty and remember its mutation. But I don’t want to . I wish that I did, but I don’t. I don’t want to forget, to let all of those precious moments dissolve into nothingness. I want to remember and keep all of those perfect moments close to my heart forever. Yet, being as close as they are, they serve only to sink the knife in deeper.

A little deeper, and a little deeper, everyday. How long before the damage is done? How long before I am pierced through? How long before I can no longer feel the blade, but only the dark, quiet peace that comes to us all before the end?