Stupid Girl
I’ve felt stupid for a lot of things in my life. Spilling stuff, breaking things, using baking soda instead of baking powder, almost getting in car wrecks, hitting poles, and other such acts of stupidity. Yet this outdoes all other stupidities of my life. I never, ever, ever thought I would allow any person to make me doubt myself so much. Even now, I have to fight an unnatural inclination to think I’ve done things I really know that I haven’t. My head knows better, but I wrestle with myself every day. I wrestle with trying to blame myself for things that couldn’t possibly be may fault. I am responsible for my own actions, and not those of others. I cannot be held responsible for the actions of others. And I am beginning to come back to my former understanding of what warrants certain reactions—as well as what doesn’t. Eventually, I hope I’ll be able to come back to appropriately assessing situations, instead of automatically deferring to another’s opinion. I hope I can come back to myself. In making such a tremendous effort to understand and respect someone else’s point of view, to even put it before my own, I feel frighteningly detached from my own. I have to remember how to evaluate things as I otherwise would have. I have to remember myself. And yet, something will never be the same. Something broke that can’t be repaired. I know that one day I’ll be happy again, but I know that I gave away a part of myself that can never be retrieved. I know I’ll recover. But the question is: can I be whole again?
