Caveat: Expressions Ardently Unfettered

It’s depressing, but I think I finally understand why people are so nice and so congratulatory when you get married. It means you have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And that really is something to celebrate. Not that I didn’t possess this knowledge before, but when that foundation is so violently broken, you come to better understand what love is really about. If anybody’s reading, I’m sorry for all the depressing posts. My foundation has been shattered, and I just can’t seem to piece it together again, no matter how hard I try. How do you love someone forever and never see them again? How does the rest of your life just walk out the door, without so much as “goodbye”?

I’m beginning to see that, when you start a new life, and that new life is broken prematurely, that you can’t simply pick up where you left off in the old life. Nothing works anymore. Suddenly everything that was so recently familiar is awkward and strange and almost unnatural. Eating alone, sleeping alone, waking up alone—it’s all so foreign—and so utterly depressing. I keep telling myself that it must get better, it’s going to get better, it has to get better, because it can’t possibly get worse. And then I think about how small my paycheck is, how large my bills are, and I remember then that it can, and probably will get worse. After all, I can’t abandon a newly-made home, with so many fresh memories, memories that I can’t bear to let go of. Because I won’t be making any more of that kind again.